Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Despite the fact that I’ve been registered as an Independent since 1975, there was a time when it was a foregone conclusion when I walked into the voting booth that I was going to vote Democratic for most major offices

Seems a long time ago, now.

Not that I’m voting Republican, either. I still hold pretty steadfastly to the notion that the Republican Party stands primarily for evil, greed, gluttony, bigotry, chauvinism, and bad haircuts. Oh, and warmongering. We mustn’t forget warmongering. I wouldn’t push the button for a Republican in the voting booth with your finger.

The Republicans’ antics from Nixon to Reagan to Bushes 41 and 43 made it easy to vote Democratic. It just seemed like the only rational option.

No more.

I have become sick of both parties.

The Democrat victory in the midterm elections over a year and a half ago gave me great hope for this country. I saw an opportunity for a breath of fresh air in Washington, the kind of breeze that cleans the air and washes away the stench of avarice and jingoism. Instead, all I got was a majority of spineless, timid, bickering, directionless drones, afraid to face down and bitch-slap the dumbest president in American history.

The last straw has been the way the Democrats have run their primary. In what must be the most asinine system of jury-rigged rules ever devised in a political process, the Democrats virtually guaranteed a deadlocked race to the convention.

ITEM: Proportional Delegates. Who in Hell’s Half Acre came up with this imbecilic idea? Somewhere, I’m sure, in a meeting over pancakes and Ovaltine, some Democratic muckedy-muck said, “We need to be fair. Winner-take-all seems very unsporting, chaps, wouldn’t you say? Why don’t we split the delegates based on the percentage of votes each candidate gets?”
Idiotic. This is the same blatantly spineless thinking that led to ‘no winner’ schoolyard games in the 1970’s, and equitable distribution divorces. Close races under proportional delegate designations are a perfect design for brokered elections. You want a clearly defined candidate? Go with winner-take-all. Seems to have worked for McCain (though the competition there wasn’t quite as stiff).

ITEM: SuperDelegates. You know. Party fatcats, local ward chairs, attention-seekers, and general hangers-on who owe allegiance to nobody and are accountable to only themselves. Hey, if you aren't a duly-appointed delegate with a binding vote, keep your fat ass off the convention floor. And while we're at it, I think we've reached a point in our technological sophistication where we can divest ourselves of the Electoral College. Graduate their asses already and let's go with the popular vote.

ITEM: Michigan and Florida. Nothing much more to say about that. The Democratic National Committee just shot itself in the foot, and like a petulant, cranky child it refuses to budge for fear that it will look ‘weak’. Too late.

ITEM: Super Duper Tuesday. Hey, kids, here’s a great idea. Let’s hold almost a third of the nation’s primaries on ONE DAY, and let’s make it as early as is humanly possible in the electoral process, so that people are voting based on emotion rather than intellect! What could be more fun? So what if we get voters’ remorse two months later, when we wake up and realize that one of the Democratic candidates is an empty suit with no plans but a lot of personal charisma, and the other could have saved her husband’s presidency from impeachment if she’d just handed out a hummer once in a while, but that otherwise neither one has virtually anything to bring to the table. Meanwhile, the best candidates – you know, the ones who couldn’t raise barrels of money in time—were sent packing after Super Duper Tuesday, before we really got a decent chance to know them (I’m not talking about you Kucinich – everyone knows what you’re about. Give my regards to everyone in The Shire).

ITEM: Caucuses. Huh? WTF? Okay, instead of actually voting, let’s just herd people into school cafeterias, make them stand on one side or the other, and do a head count. Oh, and don’t forget, the winner is the candidate who can pack the most people onto a bus, even if those people haven’t seen the inside of a voting booth since the Eisenhower Administration, and wouldn’t get out of the house to go to a polling place if you whacked them with a cattle prod. Look, if you can’t do politicking inside a polling place, why should you be able to bully people in a caucus? Get rid of them and hold actual elections, pinheads!

ITEM: Early endorsements. Okay, technically this isn’t the Democratic Party’s fault. I signed up for Move On.org some time back for one reason or another – I think it had something to do with stopping Bush43 from pulling off some kind of foolishness or other – and I’ve actually signed a few petitions with them. However, when they endorsed Obama before the primaries even developed a head of steam, I wrote them off. Screw ‘em. When I’m made emperor, nobody will be able to endorse ANY political candidate until after the conventions. Endorsing candidates during the primaries leads to one of only two possible outcomes – crowing or eating crow. I don’t have time for either activity. What these early endorsements do accomplish, however, is to unfairly sway the election one way or the other, because you have to recall that fully half of the voting population can’t muster a triple-digit IQ, and they’ll do whatever they’re told to do.

Thankfully, most of that half of voters are Republicans. The principle still stands.

What it all comes down to is this. Elect Republicans and you get jack-booted thugs in expensive suits marching in lockstep to whatever tune the Carlyle Group and the PNAC conspiracy plays.

Elect Democrats, and it’s four years of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.

I would gladly align with a third party – even a losing one – if it made any sense, but the only ones out there look even lamer and dumber than the Democrats and Republicans.

Sometimes I just wish I could talk my wife into moving to Canada.

I think we’ve filled up the latrine in this country. Place don’t smell so good anymore…

1 comment:

Josephine Damian said...

I'll take four years of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party over 100 more years of the Iraq War any day.

Yeah, it's geting nasty, but come November I'm voting Democrat no matter what.

Speaking of elections, rumor has it you won a Derringer Award! Woot! Kudos to you.